To wander, To Discover

On understanding the difference between navigating with curiosity and meandering aimlessly

Dear Taylor,

I am often plagued with moments when I feel as if I was an alien living amongst humans who are mentally incapable of understanding me and then I am reminded of your existence. You’re not wrong when you say we have found a soul mate in each other and I thank the Universe every day for not only bringing you into my life but also for having exist on this planet at the same time as me!

As we both continue on our quest to pursue our respective vocations, I have found myself reflecting more and more on the last two years rather than the ones prior. I no longer find myself pondering about the years spent being coached on how to build an online business and subsequently burning out as a result. Rather, I find myself to muse over the fact that the second I quit the rat race and went “offline” so to speak that I found my success- I hit an annual six-figure income and have maintained it for two years in a row!

Isn’t that a bit amusing to wonder?

You try your all to achieve a goal, you follow all the advice, you put in hours upon hours and still fail to achieve. Then, you surrender. You let go. And it comes to you!

I know I am oversimplifying it. It didn’t just come to me. It was a manifestation of years and years of hard work, of leaving my footprint for my success to follow. It wasn’t just the result of what I did in the year I achieved said success but rather for the prior five years that allowed me to be where I am.

However, I am now plagued with an entirely different matter.

Now what?

Yes, I wanted to run a creative studio and build a career that allowed me to be creative while being location-free to do as I please with my time and money.

But what do I want to do with my time and money, now that I have more control over it?

I honestly am not sure. And that gnaws at my chest periodically. Bit by bit, minute by minute, I can feel it eating away inside as I partake in my mundane activities, slicing onions, vacuuming my room, making my way to the grocery store… it eats, it preys and I let it. For, I am not sure how to tackle it.

I have brainstormed numerous ideas and projects that I can busy myself with but to no avail. It takes months to start a project and as soon as its wheels start turning, I bolt!

“I don’t have the time for it…” I tell myself as I lay on my couch doing absolutely nothing.

“But what do you have time for?” Another voice interrogates me for she knows this is more than just an excuse.

Is it the burn out still? Have I not found a project I’d feel for? Or is it as simple as perhaps I am not the person who has side projects. Perhaps, I am the person who built a life of freedom just because she could and now she doesn’t have much to do with all this freedom other than lay on the couch and read her fifth book of the month.

There isn’t anything wrong with lounging and living a simple, quiet life. But surely, I had intended to do more with my freedom?

I often tell myself that when the time comes, I’ll be ready, I’ll go full throttle. But will that happen on it’s own? Or will it need to happen, by me?

There is a time when one must meander through life without having a map to follow. To wander aimlessly, to explore what’s out there with any specific expectation of where you need to be as that is how we discover where we want to be.

However, one must time-box that act, so as to not waste our years wandering aimlessly, to never have travelled with intention.

I now feel like I am wasting my years. That, while I needed to let go and not worry about where I am going, I need to reroute and instil more intention into my footsteps.

I am often afflicted with the notion of acting with discipline rather than being inspired to take action by motivation. Perhaps, I have lost the discipline. Perhaps, in my burn out, I somehow resorted to motivation so much that I now have none of it and thus am unable to do anything!

Alas!

New levels, new devils.

I often romantcize the struggle, for I did not have to think about what would happen after got past the finish line. I was so consumed with surviving, with the incessant thoughts of making it through, that I no time, nor the mental bandwidth to think about what I’d do once I got to the point of thriving.

Perhaps, you can help.

Should I continue pursuing my vocation in private and resort to lounging away my free time, however way I please without needing to demonstrate it to the world.

Or…

Should I adapt a more disciplined persona and push myself to start creating publicly again. A personal brand rooted in bibliophilia, visual arts or wanderlust, perhaps?

As I come to the end of this letter, I am hit with another realization, altogether (funny how writing can help you see better, eh?):

This is how you find yourself.

This struggle. This confusion. This back and forth between ideas. The ricocheting between the notions of what to pursue and what to let go of.

All of this. Is what will help me get there.

But will it?

Or will it take me further away from where I should be?

Time will tell, I guess.

Most ardently yours.

Fatima